Hope's an interesting thought. I like to think of it as an invincible force, unbreakable. Hope cannot be defeated, convinced otherwise. When I have hope, I cannot be touched. Hope gets me through every day of my life. Had I been without hope, I would not have survived my elementary/middle school years. Without hope, I'd have no reason for living now. Years ago, I contemplated suicide, though in a slight way. Being without hope, I would have been without reason to say no to my own thoughts.
Christmas doesnt seem to have to the same effect on me as it does one everyone around me. People seem jubilant, and I just plainly do not have a different mindset. Dont get me wrong- I love Fall. Winter is an easy 2nd place, but Christmastime just doesnt seem to excite me.
I really don't feel like seeing my family. My distant family, that is. Each holiday, large meals are eaten around a big table at my aunt's, and all of the relatives whom I see twice a year proceed to attempt to converse with me, only to soothe their conscience for not having a relationship with me. I don't take it offensively that I never see them. Everyone has their own lives, including myself. I don't feel like talking to them, just like they don't REALLY want to talk to me. It's so awkward, walking around the house, looking for some type of entertainment. I can't wait to be old, when I'm permitted to sit in one spot and "watch the game" or something. I mean, I don't really like football, but I'll still do it.
One day, I want to gamble. Yes, it's dangerous, and most gamblers unintentionally lose their entire life's savings on a slot machine, but I think (just like everyone else) that I can keep it under control. I'm heavily contemplating a marriage free life, living life on the edge, betting every last penny on that last hand of poker. That's so attractive to me. I'd love to gamble on sports and buy stocks and go on vacations on a whim. All of these are possible without the married life. Loneliness would be a factor, I suppose, but I've been lonely before. I can feel that again. Feelings are temporary, all of them. That's how we're built. If we had feelings permanently, we couldn't handle it.
This break is so short, but I still prefer Tech's quarter system.
Ah ah.
You, O.
Christmas doesnt seem to have to the same effect on me as it does one everyone around me. People seem jubilant, and I just plainly do not have a different mindset. Dont get me wrong- I love Fall. Winter is an easy 2nd place, but Christmastime just doesnt seem to excite me.
I really don't feel like seeing my family. My distant family, that is. Each holiday, large meals are eaten around a big table at my aunt's, and all of the relatives whom I see twice a year proceed to attempt to converse with me, only to soothe their conscience for not having a relationship with me. I don't take it offensively that I never see them. Everyone has their own lives, including myself. I don't feel like talking to them, just like they don't REALLY want to talk to me. It's so awkward, walking around the house, looking for some type of entertainment. I can't wait to be old, when I'm permitted to sit in one spot and "watch the game" or something. I mean, I don't really like football, but I'll still do it.
One day, I want to gamble. Yes, it's dangerous, and most gamblers unintentionally lose their entire life's savings on a slot machine, but I think (just like everyone else) that I can keep it under control. I'm heavily contemplating a marriage free life, living life on the edge, betting every last penny on that last hand of poker. That's so attractive to me. I'd love to gamble on sports and buy stocks and go on vacations on a whim. All of these are possible without the married life. Loneliness would be a factor, I suppose, but I've been lonely before. I can feel that again. Feelings are temporary, all of them. That's how we're built. If we had feelings permanently, we couldn't handle it.
This break is so short, but I still prefer Tech's quarter system.
Ah ah.
You, O.
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kylie02 and the_last_polka for all of us to share our experiences, thoughts, progress, and stories. No pressure, no goals, no deadlines. Just support.Join if you're interested. We would love to have you. And who knows? Maybe you'll gain a second/third/ninth family!
Well. Long time, no see, O.
A lot has changed. Basically, I'm in my second quarter now. Last quarter, I received all A's (three classes, one of them a given a).
I don't really know what's going on nowadays. I'm numb, as bluntly as I can put it.
I read a post that I put up in the past. It said, "I hate alcohol". Well, at least I still don't cuss.
I've called Cade...6 times today, plus 6 texts. No reply. That's grand. 13 hours.
One day, I'll grow up. I won't have these petty little feelings anymore. All of my anxiety, my doubt, my anguish, depression, shame, numbness, and insecurities will leave me. I don't even feel right kissing the clock at 11:11, thinking, "God's will". I really don't. I don't deserve to speak, or much less think, His name. It's far too easy to push it out of my mind.
Not gonna say it, HA! Try remembering what this is about-ha.
Honestly, I suppose I truly am writing to my future self. I am O.
Well, future self, here's to hoping you are doing great. I hope you're studying nowadays, actually caring about your future. I hope you have someone, and not just a worthless someone. Someone you actually care about, someone that REALLY makes you happy, not just satisfied. We've had enough of being satiating. Of settling. That's all I do.
Well. There's not really much to talk about.
Still waiting. No call. No text.
I'm an extremely negative person. I am, really. I tend to look at the negatives because they're easier to find.
Positives take too much time, too much energy. I'm also not an energetic person. I tend to chill. Ha, tend. I ALWAYS "chill".
Looks like I'm hangin out with Randiculous tonight.
Peace, O.
A lot has changed. Basically, I'm in my second quarter now. Last quarter, I received all A's (three classes, one of them a given a).
I don't really know what's going on nowadays. I'm numb, as bluntly as I can put it.
I read a post that I put up in the past. It said, "I hate alcohol". Well, at least I still don't cuss.
I've called Cade...6 times today, plus 6 texts. No reply. That's grand. 13 hours.
One day, I'll grow up. I won't have these petty little feelings anymore. All of my anxiety, my doubt, my anguish, depression, shame, numbness, and insecurities will leave me. I don't even feel right kissing the clock at 11:11, thinking, "God's will". I really don't. I don't deserve to speak, or much less think, His name. It's far too easy to push it out of my mind.
Not gonna say it, HA! Try remembering what this is about-ha.
Honestly, I suppose I truly am writing to my future self. I am O.
Well, future self, here's to hoping you are doing great. I hope you're studying nowadays, actually caring about your future. I hope you have someone, and not just a worthless someone. Someone you actually care about, someone that REALLY makes you happy, not just satisfied. We've had enough of being satiating. Of settling. That's all I do.
Well. There's not really much to talk about.
Still waiting. No call. No text.
I'm an extremely negative person. I am, really. I tend to look at the negatives because they're easier to find.
Positives take too much time, too much energy. I'm also not an energetic person. I tend to chill. Ha, tend. I ALWAYS "chill".
Looks like I'm hangin out with Randiculous tonight.
Peace, O.
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